


Across the stars

by Anaztazia



Category: Force awakens - Fandom, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Conflict, Cutting, F/M, Force Bond, Kylo cuts himself, On Hiatus, Pre-battle of crait, Reylo - Freeform, Self-Harm, saving kylo, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-17 06:14:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14826899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anaztazia/pseuds/Anaztazia
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARMON HIATUSRey and Kylo are Bonded by the Force. Rey happens to discover his self-destructive behavior."Why?" She asks him as she dresses his wound."Why do you care?" He asks back."Why shouldn't I?" Rey doesn't say it, but Kylo's question breaks her heart."You said I am the monster.""You are avoiding my question."Rate M for Self-harmReylo





	1. I

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Trigger warning: self-harm, depression

=

He feels so alone, in the star ship full of people. He feels hollow, with the Bond with Rey so cold and silent. That's why he ends up like this, with his blood spilling all over the bedsheet. His arms full of cuts he inflicts on himself. He is so drained and tired. He needs someone he can trust by his side. He knows he can't keep up like this anymore, not without going insane. He needs Rey. He knows she can help him. But he can't bring himself to call out to her. How could he, when she just rejected his offer to rule the universe together.

He sighs, this is getting out of control. Old habit dies hard, and this one is almost as old as himself.

It was a habit he picked up as a child, with his father away doing whatever he did in the Falcon and his mother not having enough time to be with him, too busy bringing peace to the universe.

He doesn't hate his mother, not really. They were very close when he was young. As he grew up, Leia decided that the New Republic needed her more than her son did. She failed him. When Leia realized this, it was too late. Ben was gone.

Han Solo was another story. He didn't understand Ben. Scratch that. They never understand each other. They might have loved each other long time ago.But by the time Ben went to Ahch-To, both of them seemed to forget how. They were too different. Han was a smuggler at heart. He couldn't stay at home. He wasn't there when Ben needed him. Han failed him. When he realized this, it was too late. Ben was gone.

When his parents finally knew about his bloody problem. They decided to send him to Ahch-To. Things went downhill from that moment. Luke might have been a great Jedi, but he couldn't save his nephew from himself.

He needs to stop thinking about the past. He promises himself just one more cut to get himself back to the present.

His Bond with Rey is getting stronger. He started to feel it strengthening when they fought the Praetorian guard together. Even as the Bond had been blocked by both of them, ever since Rey declined the offer. Mental distraction now results in glimpses of the other's thought and feeling. That's why he can not let the block crumble. It is the last thing he needs right now.

His mind is racing again. He drew the blade over his forearm for what he have promised himself to be the last cut tonight. That promise is broken by the rows of fresh wounds. The calm he gets from cutting starts to recede as he feels dizzy from blood loss. He passes out before he can get the medkit.

=

AN

Hi guys! Thanks for reading. I'm new to writing stories and English is not my first language. So constructive criticisms are appreciated. Feel free to pm me.  
I also post this story on fanfiction.net, the account name is Anaztazia.


	2. II

Enjoy!

=

TRIGGER WARNING

=

Rey sits on the edge of her bed. She has been spending her last few days fixing whatever she could in the temporary base on Crait, so exhausted from work she slept as soon as she was in bed. Tonight is different. There's too much on her mind. She can't sleep. She is thinking about her old life on Jakku. It seems like lifetimes ago. Back then, her life was simple. Just trying to survive each day. She was nobody. It was not pleasant, but she misses the simplicity. Yet she can't go back to that life. Her friends need her. The last few days here have brought them closer. Her friends are the closest she has to family.

Without warning, the air in the room seems to feel different, snapping her out of her thought. She looks around, spotting an unconscious figure on her bed. It is Kylo Ren. The sight of him sends her to find a medkit. She is beside him seconds later. His forearm is covered in cuts and scars. Blood drips from his wounds and the blade he holds in his hand. She does her best to stop the blood flow. Somehow, she manages to dress the wounds. So far, she hasn't process what happened. Now that she doesn't have to worry about the blood loss, she starts to contemplate the situation. From the look of things, Kylo is the one who did this to himself. The question is why. Why did he do this to himself?

The figure wakes up like he hears her thought.

"What happens? Why are you here?" He asks.

She doesn't know how to answer him. "It looks like you just cut your arm to shred." doesn't sound like a good answer. So she answers the first question carefully.

"You are hurt and the Bond brings me to you ."

"What happened to your arm?" She asked, suddenly unsure if it's the right thing to say.

"It's none of your business, Rey." He replies guardedly.

She frowns. She has a nagging feeling her suspicion is correct.

"Kylo, did you do this to yourself?"she asked gently.

Kylo's eyes grow impossibly wide.

=

thanks so much for reading =D

Reviews, comments, suggestions are appreciated.


	3. III

I forget to mention that this story takes place in the Last Jedi after Snoke is dead and Rey escaped from the Supremacy. The Battle of Crait never happens and Luke Skywalker is alive.

=

TRIGGER WARNING

=

Then he is gone, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

=

It is more than a week ago since Kylo dropped by unexpectedly.

The Resistance lays low, trying to get help from its Allies. There is not much left to do in her spare moment at the Base. She spends it with her friends and Leia, when the General manages to get away from her workload.

They reminiscence about Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. It makes Rey sees how much their death and absence affect Leia. When they talk, Leia is not the General, she is not the Princess. She is just an old woman who misses her family. Leia talks to her like she is the daughter she never has. Rey sees her as the mother she lost long ago. She confides to Leia about her life that she never tells anyone before, about how lonely life was on Jakku, waiting for the family that would never return. But they never talk about Ben Solo.

=

She sleeps that night, only to wake up by the Force. She feels Kylo Ren beside her. It is almost like last time. The only difference is that he is not unconscious.

"Stop, Kylo. please." She gently pries the blade away from his hand.

He lets her.

She moves to get the medkit, but a hand grabs hers.

"Don't. Just stay."

"But..."

"Please."

She relents. They stay like that for a moment, their hands intervined. He seems to savor the moment of peace with his eyes closed. She uses this moment to study him. His time as the Supreme Leader takes a toll on him. He is pale from blood loss. Dark circles are prominent under his eyes. His arm fulls of bloody, ragged gashes that are still bleeding. She hates to end this moment, he looks so peaceful now.

He is supposed to be her enemy as he is supposed to be hers . Yet he is not. Since the day he told her she was not alone, the day they touched their hand across the galaxy.

She cares about him, as she would a friend. She will help him through this.

"I need to clean the wounds, Kylo." She said softly.

He opens his eyes and nods. He lets go of her hand.

She gets the medkit. It is a good thing she moved it to her nightstand after the incident as a precaution.

"Why?" She asks him as she dresses his wound.

"Why do you care?" He asks back.

"Why shouldn't I?" Rey doesn't say it, but Kylo's question breaks her heart.

"You said I am the monster."

"You are avoiding my question."

"Do you really want to know the answer?" He asks seriously.

"Yes." She replies.

He sighs. "When I was young. My parents never got along. They loved each other. Yet sometimes, they were just too different. They didn't get along. When things were too much, they went back for the things they were good at. Leia threw herself into her work as a senate. Han was away smuggling."

"I was caught in the middle of their conflict. Sometimes I thought they were together just for my sake. I cut because it's an escape from reality. It makes me forget them, at least for a while."

He finally looks at her. "Does my answer satisfy you?"

She doesn't answer him, she just says "Thanks for telling me."

"It's not like I can hide it from you, not for long anyway." He sounds resigned.

This time she doesn't say anything at all. After she finishes bandaging him, they just sit there holding their hand until the morning.

=

AN

Ugh, I hate tenses in English. If I get them wrong, feel free to tell me.


	4. IV

She should tell someone about her Bond with Kylo. But who can she talk to? Poe and Finn believes that Kylo is a heartless bastard. And Leia, she doesn't know how to tell her. They never talk about Kylo. She isn't sure how she would react to this information.

So she keeps it a secret. For now, she tells herself.

=

He is here again, sitting on the edge of her bed.

He is lost in his thought. It takes him a moment to finally notice her.

"Rey, why did you help me those times?" He asks, sounding genuinely puzzled.

"Because it's the right thing to do." She replies. "I can't just let you continue destroying yourself.

He scoffs like he doesn't believe her.

"I mean it, Kylo. Try not to do it again. It scares me."

"Right, because having someone die on you is not good for your conscience." He retorts.

"So you want to continue this, cutting yourself to temporarily lessen the pain that only intensifies?" She asks.

"What do you know about this, anyway?" He snaps.

"I catch glimpses of it through the Bond."

"Good, now my head is yours to explore."

"Don't be ridiculous. It goes both way. You can feel me too, can't you?" Her patience is now running short.

He is silent for a moment.

The he answers. "True, I can catch some of your feelings. It seems like the Bond is getting stronger everytime we are connected. Maybe we should block it out again."

"Are you crazy? You know it's impossible. Don't you remember the last time? It was hard. The Bond grows evern stronger."

"We can try." He says.

She really wants to hit his head. He is a stubborn fool. She takes a deep breath, trying to quell the urge to hit him.

Reason. She must try to reason with him.

"And what about you?" She asks.

"What about me?"

"What if you cut yourself again?"

"You still haven't answer my question." He says.

"What question?"

"Why do you care?" He meets her eyes, his gaze sober.

She doesn't know how to answer his question.

=


	5. V

"I want to save you." She says, looking uncomfortable.

"You think I am worth saving?" He makes it sound like it's a ludicrous idea.

"Yes, Kylo. You're worth saving. Never doubt that." She says earnestly. She reaches to touch his hand with hers.

He pauses for a moment before he replies to her "You must suffer from brain damage or your brain is seriously impaired.".

Her hand hits his head before he has a chance to duck. "You are kriffingly insufferable."

"Yes, I know." He answers back cheekily.

=======

Supporters are ready to send help to the Resistance, but Leia tells them to wait. As it might raise the suspicion of the First Order. They are not ready to hold off the New Order if the base is attacked now. Some members of the Resistance on Crait are still recovering from injuries.

This news fills Rey and everyone on the Base with hope.

They ask Leia permission to throw a party that night.

She doesn't object.

=======

The party is held inside the base. There are drinks and snacks. Rey doesn't know how they manage to find alcohol inside the Base or how long it has been here. And she is not going to ask. Someone put on some music. There are young couples dancing and drinking with friends. The older ones sit in the corner of the room to get away from booming music, talking about old days.

It is the first time she has a drink. She does not plan for drinking one. But after the naggings she recieve from her friends, she decides to give it a try, just to shut them up.

She takes a cautious sip. "Ugh, it tastes horrible." The bitter liquid burns her throat. 

"Take another sip." Poe says.

She does. This time, it feels better than the first.

"Do you guys want to dance?" Poe asks.

"Yeah, but I don't know how." Finn says.

"I don't either." She says.

"Honestly guys. Don't stormtroopers have parties?" Poe inquires.

"Well, we sometimes snuck in drinks. But no dancing." Finn answers.

"What if I teach Finn and Poe teaches Rey, is that all right?" Rose asks.

"Yeah"

After a lot of stumbling and stepping on Poe's foot. She finally gets the hang of dancing. It's not that hard, once you get used to it.

Someone calls Poe to join them. Rey tells him to go with them.

The older members start to disperse as it is getting late. She finds a place to sit down where they previously occupied.

This is so different from the life she knows. So different from Jakku. She is still not used to this much people. The party is fun. But after some time, her head begins to ache.

"Can I join with you?" Leia asks.

"Yeah, of course." 

Leia sits down beside her.

She smiles. "How do you feel, Rey?"

"I'm fine, but my head aches a bit."

"Ah, so this is the first time you drink, right?"

"Yeah"

"I still remember my first time. It was so long ago. I almost puked on my dad. And I got a massive hangover the next morning. Not a pleasant experience."

"How are you feeling?"

"Honestly, I think I am getting too old for this war now. I think I am going to resign the post and go to find Luke. I have a feeling that we are going to need him soon."

"But the Resistance needs you, Leia."

"When the bridge on Raddus exploded and I was out in the space. I was connected with the Force. In that short moment, it told me to find Luke when the time is right, to bring back what is lost."

"So now is the time?" Rey asks.

"No, not yet. I will leave after help arrives for the Resistance." She says.

"I don't want you to go."

"You know I have to. I already lose Han. I'm not going to lose Luke to his guilt too."

"Just be careful, alright. I don't want to lose you either."

"I will take care of myself, I promise."

They are silent for a moment.

Leia is the one who breaks the silence.

"You can go with me if you want, Rey. I haven't see Luke for years. I don't know what to expect of him. I'm afraid I won't be able to convince him to help us."

"I don't know, Leia. I don't know if I want to face him again. We didn't part on good terms. But I will consider the offer."

Leia raises an eyebrow but doesn't ask anything. She is very grateful for that.

It is one thing she likes about Leia. She doesn't push you to do thing against their will, well except if it's matter of life or death.

"Leia, if you really need me or anything, tell me and I will go there to help you."

The General smiles. "Thank you, Rey. And I think that's your friends coming for you. Go join them. I'm going back to my room."

"Good night, Leia" She says as they hug each other briefly.

=======

By the time she is back to her room, she is thoroughly drunk. She stumbles toward her bed. From what Leia told her, she is going to have a massive hangover next morning. Without warning, he appears in her room.

"Hi, Ben. It's nice to see you again." She says, her words slurred.

"What?" He whips toward her. "You are drunk?"

The Bond has a knack of connecting them at the most awkward moments possible.

"I'm drunk? You're joking." She giggles.

He can't say that he doesn't like the sound. 

She comes closer to him and stares at his face. It is unnerving.

"You have very long eyelashes. I like them."

She moves to touch the scar on his face.

He is still shocked from the comment, he is not fast enough to snatch her hand.

Her hand touches his face, her thumb rubbing the scar. He feels frozen, unable to back away from her.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't hurt you like that." She says, her hand still touches his face. "I hate it when you are hurt."

Rey is more insane than he thinks she is. First, she voluntarily touches him, such a thing has never happens for years. Everyone is just afraid of him and wants to get away from him the first chance they have. And she says she is sorry to hurt him. At that time, if he weren't hurt, she would be dead or lose several limps.

Woman. He would never be able to understand one.

The most shocking thing is that everything she says is the truth. He feels it. When they're touching, he can feel her feelings almost as clearly as his own. Though it might be the fact that her mind shield is completely down at the moment as she is drunk.

Her hand moves away from his face. Only to end up in his hair.  
"I wonder how your hair is always perfect."  
She is twirling a strand of his hair on her fingers.

This drunk woman is going to be the death of him.

He gathers his wit.  
"You are going to sleep now." He says, weaving the Force command into each word.

She laughs. "Really, Ben. You try the Jedi mind trick on me to get me to sleep. You're strange."

The Force really hates him.

"Go to sleep, Rey." He starts to grow exasperated.

"Fine" She lays down on her bed. He tries to extract himself from her. She won't let him.

"Don't go." She pleads, her hand grabbing his.

They stay like that for the rest of the night.

=======

AN

How is this chapter? I'm not sure about the depiction of alcohol and the party. I'm not entirely sure about the way people behave when they're drunk either. I have never drunk or been in a party with alcohol.

Feel free to comment!


	6. Chapter 6

She wakes up to a throbbing headache. So this is hangover Leia talked about. It's a good thing that she didn't puke on anyone last night.

Water. She heard that water helps with hangover. She staggers toward a bottle she keeps in her bedroom. She opens the cap and chugs it in one go. Now that she feels slightly more human, she goes to the fresher to clean up and put on new clothes.

Her friends look as bad as she feels, which is terrible. She doubts she looks any better. No one seems inclined to do much today, given the late night they had.

She decides to go back to her bedroom to sleep the hangover off.

=======

Rey is dreaming. She is on the bridge of the Supremacy. Kylo and Hux are arguing. Judging by the increasing redness of Hux's face and Kylo's look, their temper are boiling. She doesn't hear anything. The dream doesn't allow her to.

By the time they walk away from each other, Kylo is enraged. He strides toward what she supposes is his room. Once inside, he ignites his lightsaber and slashes through everything unfortunate enough to be in his way.

He only stops when there is nothing left to be destroyed but himself and his lightsaber. He turns the weapon off. But she can feel that he will not stop there, when is so much rage left in him.

It occurs to her that he will be the next target of his own rage. She tries to scream, to tell him to stop, she even tries to leap to him. Nothing works.

She wakes up. She tries to tell herself it is just a bad dream. But deep down, she knows that it is not. What she has seen truly happens, somewhere in the universe. And she cannot stop him.

"So you want to help him?"

She jumps. The voice is strong and masculine yet gentle at the same time. It is from a blue, translucent form of a Force Ghost.

"Yes. Who are you?"

"My name is Anakin. I was once a Jedi. And I'm here to help you." He replies.

The name sounds vaguely familiar.

"How can I help him?" She gets to the point, sensing the urgency of the situation. 

"You can wait for the Bond to open up the connection. Or you can try to open it yourself." Anakin replies.

He continues. "But in doing so, the Bond is going to be even more powerful. I'm not sure how much more. The two of you will be able to appear to each other at will. You two might sense each other's emotions all the time, see the surroundings of where the other is. It is also possible that-."

"I'm going to do it, Anakin." 

"Are you sure?" He asks, needing her to be certain of her decision.

"Positive" She replies.

=======

Rage is still boiling inside him.

Hux, being Hux, is to afraid to openly oppose the Supreme Leader, but he shows his defiance every chance he has.

Kylo punches the wall when there is nothing left for him to slash through.

His knuckles make contact with the wall time and time again, until he senses her. She is a calming presence so different from his own. It soothes him, quelling the rage inside him. 

=======

She blinks. She is in Kylo's ruined room yet she is still in hers. It seems like the rooms temporarily merge into one.

His feelings are so strong, they knock her off her feet. A hand grabs her arm before she hits the floor. It is stained with blood.

She flinches. Through the contact, she can feel him. It is overwhelming. His darkness, his pain, his conflict and his concern for her floods her mind all at once.

"Are you all right?" He asks, frowning.

"Yeah, and your hand? Let me see it." She says, remembering the blood on his hand.

"It's nothing." He brushes it aside.

"Oh, please." She rolls her eyes. "You know I won't stop nagging you until I bandage it up."

He sighs, reluctantly offers her his hand.

"Do you feel it? The Bond feels different, more intense somehow." He says. "I feel your emotion today, it's so clear. It's not the glimpse I normally feel. And I can see your surroundings. I suppose you can see mine."

Rey studies his bloodied knuckles. It's a good thing wounds are not deep, but she senses it will hurt like hell for him.

"You're right, I can see the room you're in. It kinda merges into my room."

"This is going to be painful."

She gets the disinfectant from the kit and sprays it on the wounds.

She can feel pain shooting to her knuckles. She stares at her hand. It looks the same as usual. She clenches it, nothing happens.

Kylo cocks his head.

"My knuckles hurt when I disinfected your wounds. Now, it feels normal again."

"So you can feel some of my pain?" He seems to be talking to himself. "The Bond is stronger than I thought. There must be a reason."

"Rey, what happened last night? You're drunk. I never see you drunk before."

He smirks. "You were quite creepy."

Rey blushes bright red. She almost forgets about it. Now that he says it, her memory floods back to her mind. She should never open her mouth when drunk. Her thoughts came to her mouth long before they reached her brain. No, she should not get drink in the first place.

"What happened? I don't remember much. I think I saw you in my bedroom. You tried to use your Force to put me to sleep." She lies as she gets the Bactapatch out of the package. 

He looks relieved that she doesn't remember much.

She sticks the Bactapatch onto his knuckles. Rey's hand touches his, he feels a surge of mortification. So she remembers after all, but pretends otherwise.

He decides to let it pass, not wanting to make things even more awkward.

"I dreamt about you today. You were arguing with Hux on the bridge. Though I didn't hear anything. Then you went to this room.You were angry with him. You destroyed your room. I thought you were about to harm yourself. I tried to stop you, but I can't. I woke up. There was a Force Ghost. He told me I could try to get to you using the Bond. I did, but I didn't get here fast enough to stop you." The last sentence is tinged with regret and guilty.

"It doesn't matter. I've been hurting myself for so long. One more time doesn't change much of anything." He tries to comfort her, sensing she is blaming herself.

It is the worst consolation she has ever heard and he seems to know that. She supposes Kylo doesn't have much chance to comfort another human being. But she is glad he tries.

"I stopped because of you. I had been so angry. It had consumed me. Then I felt you. You were calm compared to me. My anger lessened. And you were here. You dressed up my wounds." He says, softly.

"And yet you're blaming yourself for what I did. What you have no control of."

"Don't, Rey. Those feelings will ruin you. Guilt. Self-condemnation." He says it like someone who knows them all too well. The last few sentences are almost inaudible, she wouldn't hear it if the rooms are not so quiet.

He looks at her, his dark eyes filled with raw emotions.

"Please, Rey. I don't want you to end up like me."

There is no word left to be said.

She hugs him. He stiffens up before relaxing himself in her embrace.

He is broken, but she enjoys knowing every shard of him.  



	7. vii

The Resistance Base on Crait is bustling with activities. The help will arrive tomorrow. They are eager to do something after weeks of inactivity.

=

General Leia Organa is preparing herself and the Resistance for her absence in the near future.

If thing goes as planned, her retirement will be announced soon.

It's time she let the younger generation do the job. There are times that she wonders how her life would be like if there were no war. She might have been the Queen of Alderaan. No, she might have grown up with her real parents, Padmé and Anakin Skywalker. Her father might have taught her and Luke the way of the Force. She might have been a senator for Naboo after her mother.

It doesn't matter. Here she is, the General Organa of the Resistance, a widow whose husband was killed by their own son, the Supreme Leader of the First Order.

She remembers Ben Solo. The quiet, thoughtful boy he had been in his youth. He bears so little resemblance to the man he is now. All these years, she has been holding on the hope that her son is still there under the mask of Kylo Ren. But after the death of Han, she is not so sure. She is afraid that her little boy is gone forever.

Then there is Rey. She is her daughter in all but name and blood. Sure, she is close to other Resistance member, but Rey is different. She is a part of her family somehow. Being with Rey makes her feels closer to Ben in a way she cannot explain.

She hopes Rey goes to Ahch-To with her. She hates saying goodbye to those she loves, knowing they might never see each other again.

The Resistance also needs a new leader. She thinks Poe Dameron has a potential to be one, if he becomes more mature and less reckless.

She still needs to talk to him.

She sighs, there is still much to think about.

=

Rey is cleaning the Falcon in the evening. The interior is grimy from years of disuse and infected with Porgs.

Chewie adores these birds and she doesn't find it in her to get rid of them.

In the end, she just tells them not to leave the droppings in the bridge and try not to make too much mess in the ship.

She is about to start cleaning the bridge when she hears a voice.

"Rey"

She looks around. No one is there but the Porgs.

"It's Kylo. Are you alone? Can we talk for a moment?"

She realises the voice comes from the Bond.

"I'm alone. You can come over."

The Falcon looks distorted as it fuses with the other room.

Kylo appears before her.

"Wow, I never do this before. It feels weird, starting the Bond."

"What are you doing in the Falcon?" He asks.

The Porgs stare at him, puzzled. They are confused, seeing a man appear out of thin air.

"Porgs in the Falcon?" He looks at her in disbelief.

The birds come to Kylo, hearing him call. One flies to his lap. They look at him pleadingly, waiting to be petted.

It is an amusing sight. The Supreme Commander of the First Order surrounded by the Porgs.

She laughs.

"Shoo!" He tries to scare them off.

It doesn't work. The Porgs are still there, looking at him hopefully.

"Rey, how can I get these damn bird off me?" He asks, sounding a bit hysterical.

"They like you, Kylo." She is breathless from laughing.

"Seriously, Rey. How can I get rid of them?"

"You can't. They won't leave you alone unless you pet them."

" Just pet them. They won't bite you."

"Can I kill them instead?" He grumbles.

She rolls her eyes and walks toward the Porgs. She kneels before one and pets it affectionately.

It leans to her hand and croons contently.

The other Porgs look at her for a while before go back to staring at Kylo.

"Can't you do that for me?" He sounds so desperate.

"They want you to pet them, not me."

The Porgs nod in agreement.

The look on his face is priceless.

He sighs in defeat before gingerly running his hand through the feather of the Porg on his lap.

It snuggles closer to him.

The other Porgs fly up to his lap. He soon has his arms full of Porg, sending her an imploring look.

It takes some time for the Porgs to be satisfied with him and go back to their nests.

By the time they are gone, Kylo's black clothes are covered in feathers, he even has some sticking in his hair.

"You owe me big time, Rey." He says, with a sullen look.

She cracks up.

The menacing attire of him looks ridiculous with the colorful Porgs feathers, pairing up with the expression on his face. It's hilarious.

"What's so funny?" He asks, sounding annoyed but she hears undertone of amusement.

She only laughs louder. It is contagious. A deeper voice joins hers.

It is a beautiful sound. She wishes she heard it more often.

They are rolling on the floor laughing. It takes some time to get the laughter under control.

"The Porgs love you." Rey says.

"They love interesting things. I happen to appear out of thin air. They must think I am some kind of superhero." He smirks at the thought of him as a hero.

"You are Kylo Ren, mighty king of the Porgs" She teases him.

"Then will you be my queen?" His eyes holds a twinkle of amusement.

"Gladly" The word rolls out of her mouth like it is the most natural thing in the universe before she has a chance to process the question.

"So you want the Porgs, not the universe. I'll keep that in mind the next time I ask." He laughs humourlessly.

The light-heartedness of the situation evaporates.

He shifts his posture to face her. His eyes bore into hers.

The intensity of his gaze is overwhelming.

He is silent for a moment. The look on his face says he mentally debates whether or not to tell her something important.

"Rey, I want you to know that it's not about the power. It never is."

"I joined Snoke because he showed me a path. It was a path I knew well, the path paved with pain. I chose to follow that path. When you asked me to come back to the Light. I was afraid. I knew you cared for me. But I remembered my mother. She loved me. Yet she chose the New Republic over me. How could I know you will not leave me? Like my mother did."

She can do nothing but shaking her head sadly. She knows it's true. She left him in the throne room, leaving him there unconscious.

"I still wish you had joined me. I need you, Rey. Without you I am nothing."

"You know I can't. I can't leave them here." She whispers. "But I'm here. I will always be here for you."

"I wish things were different that there was no war between us, that I was Ben Solo not the Supreme Leader. Our lives would be so much simpler. But it's too late now, Rey."

"You _are_ still Ben Solo, no matter how much you try to deny that. There's still good in you." She says firmly, leaving no room for argument.

"Even so, there is no hope for me, Rey. I cannot be saved. You always think too highly of me."

"Then you always think too lowly of yourself."

"We should change the topic. This will only lead to an argument if we don't stop now." Kylo says, his eyes becoming more guarded.

"Why are the Porgs here in the Falcon?" He asks her.

"They are friends with Chewie and have their nests in the ship. They live here."

"I remember them." He says, his eyes far away.

"When I was a Padawan, they once sneaked into my cottage at night and played with my lightsaber in my sleep. I woke up hearing the lightsaber ignited and Porg screeching. It turned out they successfuly ignited the saber, slicing through the one unlucky enough to be in the way."

"I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Curiosity kills the Porgs. But it was an inspiring way to use the lightsaber."

"When I first came to Ahch-To, I gave Luke the lightsaber. He tossed it away. I went to pick it up. It was surrounded by Porgs trying to ignite it. I scared them off before they succeeded."

"You are lucky. It was a scarring experience. I was around ten when that happened." He says. "I had to sleep in another cottage for a while."

"Speaking of lightsaber, yours is broken?" He asks Rey.

She senses nothing but curiosity from the Bond. Even then she is still cautious.

"Yes" She replies, knowing she cannot lie to him.

"You should build a new one soon. I don't like the idea of you without a weapon. Call me when you need, I will help you."

"Thanks." She flashes him a grateful smile, knowing for sure she needs his help with the lightsaber. She doesn't want to risk breaking it more trying to fix up herself.

He smiles back. Before his brows furrow.

"Rey, I have to talk to you about this."

"How much did you feel my pain?"

"I didn't feel anything. Then I sprayed that disinfectant, it burnt like the wound was mine. Before my hand feel normal again."

His expression clouds over.

"I don't like this. The bond is unstable. It's like you get to feel it when the Bond wants you to. I hate it when you're hurt." He is strangely protective of her.

"It also means that I can't harm myself anymore." He looks at her in the eyes. "I'm afraid, Rey. I'm afraid of losing control. I can control myself to a degree now that I'm Bonded with you But when emotions run high, I'm not so sure. I don't want to accidently hurt you. If something happens to you, I don't think I'll survive."

"Don't say it like that. The Bond goes both way. If I'm hurt, then you might be too." She says.

"Then try to stay out of trouble."

The bell sounds, signifying the time for dinner.

She still wants to stay here talking him, but her stomach protests.

"I have to go now, Kylo. See you later."

"Bye, Rey."

=

She is having dinner with her friends when Finn asks her.

"What did you do on the Falcon?"

"I cleaned it up a bit and did some talking with the Porgs. Why do you ask?" Her thoughts are racing. Did he know she was talking to Kylo Ren? Or is she acting suspicious?

"Oh, it's nothing. He says he heard someone laughing near the Falcon. They laughed for so long he grew concerned." Rose says. Rey mentally sighs in relief.

"It might be me. The Porgs were acting funny today." She says with a chuckle.

"You are really alright? No laughing gas leaking in the Falcon?"

Her friends look concerned.

"No, Really. I'm fine." She tries to sound convincing.

"Okay, then. Tell us if you feel sick."

"Yes, mother." She replies, rolling her eyes.

 


	12. IMPORTANT

IMPORTANT  
I'm putting the story on haitus. I am triggered by my own writing.  
Thanks for every comment and support.  
I may continue this when I feel ready.  
But I will continue writing fanfiction.


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